Great Hearted Husband

The wife comes home early & finds her husband Mishra in

their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!

“You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?

How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother

of your children! I’m leaving this house, I want divorce!”

The Mishra, replies “Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,

at least listen to what happened. You can’t say I’m dishonest.”

“Hmm, I don’t know, well, it’ll be the last thing I will hear from you.

But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!”

The Mishra begins to tell his story . . . “While driving home

this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that

she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She

mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion I brought her home and warmed

up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll gain weight;

the poor thing practically devoured them.”

“Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a

shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since

she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you

have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear

because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the

blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste.”

“I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my

sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought

at the expensive boutique that you never wore again

after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.”

The Mishra continues his story . . . . .

“The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door. When we got to the door she

turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,

she asks me:

“Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?”

 

 

Hippie & Nun

 

A hippie boards a bus and spies a pretty young Nun. He sits down next to her, and asks: “Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God”. She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver turns to the hippie and says: “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”

“Yeah?” says the hippie. “Yeah!” says the bus driver.

“She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me?”

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

‘God’ agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

“Ha-ha” he cries, “I’m the hippie!”

“Ha-ha” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!”*

Genie’s Wishes

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf….. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? ”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

“How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

 

 

Feet First

One day little Danny was in Sunday school, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said your heart, ’cause you need it to love. Richie said your head, ’cause you need it to think.

Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, “Your feet.”

Confused, the pastor asked why.

Danny replied, “I was walking past my mom’s room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

A parrot from a brothel

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
“Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.   She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
“New house, new madam.

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,  “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

 

“Hi Keith.”

When I Retired

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime – barramundi fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.  Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who, it turned out, loves barramundi fishing as much as I do.  We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, my wife doesn’t care about fishing. She  refuses to join us and she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.  A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful barramundi you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later, Sam caught another!  So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice barramundi that we caught and showed the picture to my wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested. Instead, she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself.  What would you do?  Tell my wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat like she insists? Thanks. Jack P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two barramundi we caught. Dr. Phil replies:   Dear Jack, Get rid of that narrow-minded wife. That’s a nice pair of barramundi! Sincerely, Dr. Phil

Marriage

Marriage (Part I)  

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
   
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
           
His new bride said:
“No, that’s fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”
   
(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)   ************ ********* ********* ********* *********

    Marriage (Part II)
   
   
   Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

   The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!”
 
  “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!”
   
   (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
   
   
************ ********* ** ************ ******
   
   Marriage (Part III)
   
   
   Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no
good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.
   
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.  
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?”

   She says, “I was in bed.”
   
“In bed this early, doing what?”
   
“Getting a second opinion!”
   
    (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
   
 ************ ********* ********* ********* **
   
    Marriage (Part IV)
       
   
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,” Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
   
 One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”
     
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”
   
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
   
   ************ ********* ********* ********* **
   
   THE SILENT TREATMENT
   
 A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”  He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
   
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.”
   
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

Adult only

Naughty King

 

 

Some Good Humour

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you,
it’s only when you leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm

 When mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?
To see if you really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow

 You have to do it again with same perfection.

Wives are funny creatures.
They don’t have sex with their husbands for weeks
And then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

The stock markets now are like an old man’s dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone
Is still getting screwed!

This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan …….
“We stare because we care!”

The saddest part of a man’s body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to “Hang Till Death!”

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man’s underwear?
Banana split.
 
What’s the difference between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast, population decreases
 BUT in a condom blast, population increases