Archive for the ‘Joke’ Category

The Son

November 10, 2010

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning.

One is detained in the clubhouse,

and the other three are discussing about their children while

walking to the first tee.

“My son BIll,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. 

He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. 

He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend  

a brand new home as a gift.”

 

 

The second man, not to be out done, tells how his son began his career

 

as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.

“George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months

he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift.”

The third man’s son, “Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage,

and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift”.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have

been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son turned out,”

he replies. “For 15 years, Frank’s been a hairdresser,

and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay.

However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does

because his last three boyfriends have given him

a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.”

 

The Butcher

June 29, 2010

In The Butcher’s Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

 

Guilt

June 29, 2010

Guilt

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place how he knows her.
So he asks, “Do you know me?”
The woman says, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife,
and he says, “My God! Are you the stri**er from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

“No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

 

 

 

Indian Hell

June 23, 2010

 Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he’ll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to American hell and asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?” asked the man.

“Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.”

God’s Efficiency

June 23, 2010

God’s Efficiency  

A farmer purchased an old, run-down; abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold, it’s a completely different place. The farmhouse is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are many cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

Expensive Dress

June 23, 2010

Expensive Dress 

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on.

It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!'”

 

Local Call

June 22, 2010

Local Call

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call“.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 He Could talk to God.

“O.K., thank you,” said the American.

He then travelled to Pakistan, Russia, Germany and France.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if India had the same phone.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “Ten Rupee per call.”

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. “Father, I’ve travelled all over World and I’ve seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in India now, Son – it’s a Local Call. This is the only heaven on the Earth.”

 

Childless Couple

June 22, 2010

Childless Couple

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

“My children,” the priest began, “The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I’m visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you.”

“Thank you, Father, thank you!” said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, “I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time–15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit.”

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who’d sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

“My dear,” the priest said, “Your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!”

“He just left for Rome,” she said in a very desperate tone.

“Rome? Why did he go to Rome?” asked the priest.

“To blow out that candle you lit!”

 

Blessings

June 22, 2010

Blessings 

The Pope was finishing his sermon in the Basilica in St. Peters Square in Rome. He ended it with the Latin phrase, “Tutti Homini” – Blessed be Mankind.

A women’s rights group grievously approached the Pope the next day. They pointed out that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini” – Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and inquired if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, “Sure”.

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti.”

Atheist Professor

June 22, 2010

Atheist Professor

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by.
He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am, God. I’m still waiting.”
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.
The professor struggled, obviously shaken and yelled,
“What’s the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The football player replied, “God was busy; He sent me!”