Posts Tagged ‘Joke’

Just send the bottle back

September 21, 2011

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot (wine) to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.’ He indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. 

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and San Francisco, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.’

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Malaysian Political Jokes

November 1, 2010

Six Malaysian jokes :


1.
Najib, Pak Lah, and Old man Mahathir were patrolling in a helicopter. Old Man Mahathir:

“If I drop a piece of RM1000 note from here, the person that picks it up must be very happy.”

 
Pak Lah:

 “If I throw two pieces of RM500notes down, it will make 2 persons happy. 

Najib:

 

“If I drop TEN pieces of RM100notes, there will be 10 happy people.”

 

The pilot murmuring to himself:

 

“Why don’t all of you just jump down from here, that will make 25 million people happy.”

 
 

 

2. Samy V wished to enhance his reputation by publishing a series of stamps with his portraits. 

1 month after the launch, Samy surveys its sales.

 

Post Office Chief:

“Not bad… but we got quite a number of complaints that the glue is not strong enough.”

 

Samy:  : “Really…?”

 

  “The glue seems ok.” 

 

 

 

 

Post Office Chief:: 

 “Yes, but every one spits on the front of the stamp ….”


3.  Midnight, Najib went for supper and bumped into a robber.

 

Najib was very angry: “I am the honorable Prime Minister!”  

 The robber : ‘Give me back my money’.

 

                     

 

4.  One fine day, Najib, Muyahiddin and parliament members were on the way to a meeting where they all crashed in an accident and was rushed to the hospital. 

The reporters were at the hospital,

 the  doctor shook his head

 

 

 

 We have done our best to rescue the PM but …”
Reporters:”How about Muyahiddin?”

The same response
Reporters:”Who have you saved?”

 The doctor was excited:”Malaysia is now saved!”

  

Samy: “Why does he not welcome me?”

Doc: “He is normal today (not insane).”

6.  Election campaign time — car load of politicians were involved in a car accident 

 

 

 

 

 

Few days later, the police in charge found the farmer and asked where all
the politicians were and was told that they had all been buried.

Police: “Did they all die?” 

 Farmer:

 “Hmmm, Samy was screaming that he is still alive when I buried him”

 

Police: “Then why you bury him anyway? 

 
 Farmer: “Because Samy never tells the truth.”

 

 

 

All the patients hurray for him but there is one patient who ignored Samy.

 

Expensive Dress

June 23, 2010

Expensive Dress 

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on.

It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!'”

 

Local Call

June 22, 2010

Local Call

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call“.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 He Could talk to God.

“O.K., thank you,” said the American.

He then travelled to Pakistan, Russia, Germany and France.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if India had the same phone.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “Ten Rupee per call.”

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. “Father, I’ve travelled all over World and I’ve seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in India now, Son – it’s a Local Call. This is the only heaven on the Earth.”

 

Childless Couple

June 22, 2010

Childless Couple

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

“My children,” the priest began, “The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I’m visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you.”

“Thank you, Father, thank you!” said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, “I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time–15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit.”

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who’d sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

“My dear,” the priest said, “Your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!”

“He just left for Rome,” she said in a very desperate tone.

“Rome? Why did he go to Rome?” asked the priest.

“To blow out that candle you lit!”

 

Blessings

June 22, 2010

Blessings 

The Pope was finishing his sermon in the Basilica in St. Peters Square in Rome. He ended it with the Latin phrase, “Tutti Homini” – Blessed be Mankind.

A women’s rights group grievously approached the Pope the next day. They pointed out that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini” – Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and inquired if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, “Sure”.

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti.”

Atheist Professor

June 22, 2010

Atheist Professor

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by.
He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am, God. I’m still waiting.”
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.
The professor struggled, obviously shaken and yelled,
“What’s the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The football player replied, “God was busy; He sent me!”

 

The Confession

June 22, 2010

The Confession

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

Ah Beng Jokes

June 3, 2010

Well, it’s good to share some jokes and leak out the laughing gas…..  😀 😀

This one will make your day…

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.

 He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,

‘My Mobile No.. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610’

 

====================================

 Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .

 Friend: Really, what is he studying.

Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

 

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Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.

DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.

Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

 

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Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?

 Wife: No! I’ll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?

Ah Beng : No, I’ll also stay with your sister.

 

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 Ah Beng : People consider me as a ‘GOD’

Wife: How do you know??

Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh

 GOD! U have come again.

 

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 Ah Beng complained to the police: ‘Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.’

Police: ‘How the thief did not take TV?’

 Ah Beng : ‘I was watching TV news…’

 

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 Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying ‘Parking Fine’.

He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole ‘Thanks for complement.’

 

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 How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

 He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

 

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 Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot

 

 ==================================================

 

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.

He picks it up and Says ‘Hello, how did you know I was here?’

 

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Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?

Man – This is a race, the winner will get the cup..

Ah Beng – If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

 

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Teacher: ‘I killed a person’ convert this sentence into future tense

Ah Beng : The future tense is ‘u will go to jail’

 

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 Ah Beng told his servant: ‘Go and water the plants!’

Servant: ‘It’s already raining.’

 Ah Beng : ‘So what? Take an umbrella and go.’

 

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A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the

Evening and not in the morning?

Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM

 Have a good day!

A parrot from a brothel

May 17, 2010

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
“Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.   She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
“New house, new madam.

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,  “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

 

“Hi Keith.”