Archive for October, 2009

Married 25 years

October 13, 2009

After being married 25 years,

one day I took a look at my wife and said,

 

1

 

“Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, 

2

I had a cheap apartment,

3

a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,

 but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

4

 

“Now, we have a nice house,

 

 nice car, big bed a5nd plasma screen TV,

but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman.

6

 It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!”

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.

7

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond,

8

 and she would make sure

 

that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,

9

driving a cheap car,

10

sleeping on a sofa bed….

I shut up and took out the trash…

11

Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

 

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Cab Driver

October 13, 2009

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City .

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,”

she replied with a straight face.
The cabbie turns around and says,

“Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?

They’re hookers, boy!

They have sex with men for money.”
 

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says,

“Is that true, Mom?”

His mother, glaring fiercely at the cabbie, grudgingly answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks,

“Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.

 

 

Adult’s Jokes

October 13, 2009

to brighten up your day

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce.
 

She answered,

“Your Honor, he knew I’m a vegetarian and

yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth.”

  

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

  

A lady visited her doctor again.

The Dr. said     :      You look more sick & exhausted than before.

                                   Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?

 

Lady    :    WHAT? I thought you said 3 MALES a day!!!!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A nun went for a urine test.

The sample got mixed up.

When the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She cried and said,

“Shit, we can’t even trust cucumber anymore.”

  

************************************************************* 

 

 

A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked

  

“Do you have this?”


The girl lifted up her skirt & said,

“My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!”

  

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

  

Schoolgirl  :

“I do not want to take the
SEX EDUCATION”.

Class Teacher :  

“Why not?”

Schoolgirl :        

“Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be
ORAL!”

  

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mother asks her daughter,

“How is married life?”
Daughter shyly says,

“Like BRITISH AIRWAYS.”
Mother reads the advertisement & is shocked.

It says,
“7 DAYS A WEEK, TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!”

  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look
like?
Mama dog’s reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind
& I didn’t have chance to see his face!”

 
###########################################

What’s the difference between stress,
tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,

tension is when girlfriend
is pregnant,
PANIC is when both are pregnant!

 

Why Am I So Tired?

October 13, 2009

 

work_out_tired

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason:
I’m tired because I’m overworked.

Here’s why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired, 
which leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, 
 which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government, 
which leaves 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces
preoccupied with killing Bin Laden,   
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people
who work for state and city governments  
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,  
which leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.

As of today, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves JUST TWO PEOPLE to do the work…

YOU and ME!!

 

 And there you are sitting at your computer,

man_tired_working_computer

 reading jokes.  

Nice, real nice…

The Successful Smuggler

October 13, 2009

Laught out loud

  

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

hat

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

 

Juan sips his beer and says,

 

bicycle

 

“Bicycles.”

tengkp