Archive for June, 2010

Titanic

June 29, 2010

Titanic

An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor.
“What was that for?”, says the Chinaman.
“That”, says the Jew, “Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you bastards!”
The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says “Hey wait, I’m Chinese, not Japanese; it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour.”
The Jew says “Chinese, Japanese, you’re all the same to me.” So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked.
“What was that for?”
“That was for sinking the Titanic”
“The Titanic!”, says the Jew. “The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!”
And the Chinese says “Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you’re all the same to me!”

 

 

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The Arab Story

June 29, 2010

The Arab Story

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to the neighbouring states.

Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewellery, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him “This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.

To this the Arab replied “Can’t help it, Bapu….. Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!”

Summer Job

June 29, 2010

Summer Job

Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.

So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, “How many bibles did you sell?”

The boy stood up and said, “35.”

“Is that all you sold?” the preacher asked.

“He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.

The boy said, “75.”

“That’s good,” the preacher replied. He didn’t want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, “I-I-I s-s-sold 175.”

The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.

He said, “I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-t-t-them.”

 

 

Recycling

June 29, 2010

Recycling 

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat.
The American asks :‘Do you eat the bread entirely?’
The Indian answers, ‘Of course!’
American : ‘We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India .’
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues, ‘Do you eat this jelly with the bread?’
Indian : ‘Of course!’
American : ‘We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container. Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to India .’
The Indian finally asks, ‘And what do you do with the condoms after using them?’
American : ‘We throw them away, of course!’
Indian : ‘We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.’

 

Great Hearted Husband

June 29, 2010

Great Hearted Husband

The wife comes home early & finds her husband Mishra in

their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!

“You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?

How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother

of your children! I’m leaving this house, I want divorce!”

The Mishra, replies “Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,

at least listen to what happened. You can’t say I’m dishonest.”

“Hmm, I don’t know, well, it’ll be the last thing I will hear from you.

But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!”

The Mishra begins to tell his story . . . “While driving home

this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that

she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She

mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion I brought her home and warmed

up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll gain weight;

the poor thing practically devoured them.”

“Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a

shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since

she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you

have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear

because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the

blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste.”

“I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my

sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought

at the expensive boutique that you never wore again

after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.”

The Mishra continues his story . . . . .

“The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door. When we got to the door she

turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,

she asks me:

“Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?”

 

 

The Butcher

June 29, 2010

In The Butcher’s Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

 

I Will Do It

June 29, 2010

I Will Do It

   

Once, a beautiful secretary of the Managing Partner of a very big and reputed company
goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.

  

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her.
Don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
from wanting to marry her.

  

  

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to man, “I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.”

The rich man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says
“No problem!! I have it. I have.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to man,
“I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The rich man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone,
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says,
“Okay, okay. I build it.., I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
” I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch willie ”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he’s muttering something in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, hit the ground with his feet,
looking real sad, says to the woman,

“Okay, okay. I cut it.. I cut.”

  

 

  

 

   

Hot & Cold Sex

June 29, 2010

Hot & Cold Sex

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact I do,” said the man, “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting,” replied the doctor, “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that old buzzard,” she replied,

“That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December.”

 

Hippie & Nun

June 29, 2010

Hippie & Nun

 

A hippie boards a bus and spies a pretty young Nun. He sits down next to her, and asks: “Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God”. She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver turns to the hippie and says: “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”

“Yeah?” says the hippie. “Yeah!” says the bus driver.

“She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me?”

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

‘God’ agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

“Ha-ha” he cries, “I’m the hippie!”

“Ha-ha” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!”*

Guilt

June 29, 2010

Guilt

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place how he knows her.
So he asks, “Do you know me?”
The woman says, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife,
and he says, “My God! Are you the stri**er from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

“No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”