Archive for November, 2009

Doctor and patient

November 24, 2009

laught out loud

 

 

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”

He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”

The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”

 He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

************ **

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”  

********* **

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”  

The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

 ************ **

A doctor said to his car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.” 

************ **

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”  

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill 

 “Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill. 

  ************ **

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

   “Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

 ************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

 “Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

 ************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill. 

  The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

 ************ **

A doctor said to his car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.”

  ************ **

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

 “Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

 ************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill   

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.” 

************ **

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?” 

 “Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

 ************ **

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

 ************ **

A fellow walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

 ************ **

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, “Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better.”

The voice on the other end of the line said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

 She said, “Yes, darling! She’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

 He said, “Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday.”

 The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful! Oh! That’s fantastic! That’s wonderful news!”

 The man on the phone said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!”

 She said, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn’t tell me a word!”

 ************ **

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death’s door due to an
infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients are up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. “But doctor, you don’t understand,” they said, “Dad hasn’t walked in over a year!”

 

tengkp

 

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Two men in a desert

November 20, 2009

laught out loud

 

Two Christians in the Desert

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert.

One is called George one is called Michael.

They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle.

 

Michael said to George: “Look let’s pretend we are Muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us. I am going to call my self Mohammed.”

 

George refused to change his name, he said:” My name is George, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am. …George.”

 The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names.

Michael said: “My name is Mohammed.”

George said: My name is George. “

 

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said:

“Please bring some food and water for George only.”

 

Then he turned to the other and said:

“Well Mohammed I hope you are aware

that we are still in the

 

holy month of Ramadan .”

 

  tengkp

 

 

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

November 20, 2009

 

Men Are Just Happier People

 
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 


Send this to the women who can handle it and

to the men who will enjoy reading it.

 

Best regards,

tengkp

Where are the brakes?

November 11, 2009

My sweet girlfriend had habit of biting her fingernails.

She started doing YOGA to treat the problem.

Soon her finger-nails started growing normally.

Seeing this, I asked if yoga had totally cured her problem.

“No,” she replied with a funny sweet smile,

“but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

Judge asks a little Kid:

Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?

Kid: No, my mummy beats me.

Judge:  Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.

Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.

Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?

Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team,

they never beat anybody.

Dexter had just returned from two weeks of vacation.

He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

“What!” shouted the boss?

“I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”

“Are you nuts?” replied Dexter.

“That would have ruined my whole vacation.

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket.

When I finished my shopping,

I saw a cart less woman,

and offered it up, explaining,

“It makes an awful noise, but it works.”

“That’s okay,” she said, taking it.

“I have a husband at home just like that.

Due to an experimental medical technique,

a 90-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,

her relatives came to visit.

“May we see the baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother,

“I’ll make coffee for all of you and then you can play with the baby for a while.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,

“May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another half hour had elapsed, they asked again,

“May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked,

“Well, when CAN we see the baby?”

“When it cries,” she told them.

“WHEN IT CRIES?” they exclaimed.

“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

“Because I forgot where I put him.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady

while waiting with his mother

in the doctor’s office. 

 He inquisitively asked the lady,

“Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “I’m having a baby.”

With big eyes, he asked,

“Is the baby in your stomach?”

She answered, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy,

with a puzzled look, asked,

“Is it a good baby?”

She said, “Oh, yes.  It’s a real good baby.”

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked,

“Then why did you eat him?

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, “Yes?”

“Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?”

“No I haven’t.”

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car.

While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window: “Yes?”

“Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?”

“No I haven’t.”

Then suddenly there is a curve,

 the biker sees it too late.

He crashes off the road into a ditch.

 A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks,

 “Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?”


 

The biker says,

“Tell me, where are the brakes?