Archive for the ‘Laughter Two’ Category

Laughter Two

April 18, 2010

  

Laughter Two 

Vodka

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.”
The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka.”
Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, “Alisa, Alisa, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Alisa is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him, “Yegor, why do we only need one glass?”
Yegor raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

 

The Wedding Night

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before.
So he calls up his dad and asks him, “What do I do first?”
His dad says, “Take her clothes off and put her in bed. ”
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, “She’s n*ked and in bed what do I do now?” His dad says, “Take your clothes off and get in bed.”
He calls back 5 minutes later and says, “I’m n*ked and in bed with her what do I do now?”
His dad’s patience is now running out so he says, “Look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!”
The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, “OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?”

 

What A Fine Bouquet

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

 

What Every Woman Wants

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

 

Witnessing The Miracle

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant– about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Wrong Address

Banta was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to # 329, Next Street.

By mistake, he went to # 239, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. 

Finally the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

 “My goodness”, she exclaimed, “I was expecting to see a foot.”

“Well,” he said, “if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

 

You’ve Got Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to findout anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You’ve Got Male!”

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