Archive for the ‘Laughter’ Category

Laughter

April 18, 2010

Laughter

 

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.

She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing …. …….. ….She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’ .

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick ‘.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘ Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’

And The case was dismissed… …..!!!

 

 

Boy Visits Brothel

 

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”

He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones, and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!”

 

Loving On the Lawn

 

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

“This is a brothel”, replied the madam.

“Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.

“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”

 

 

Mary and Her Affair

 

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph, “Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!”

Ralph looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there.”

Mary cried, “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!”

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the n*de, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the n*de?”

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly, “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining!”

 

 

Misunderstanding,Caused by Ladies

 

Misunderstanding….CAUSED BY LADIES…for themselves..

7 crawl into a hole Situations!

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do….

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in town and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? (She meant blowing her hair for Styling)

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. ! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank! with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door clos ed behind me were screams of laughter.

5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone,a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story…

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

 

Monkey in the Plane

 

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Tying their belts”
Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!”
Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Checking the system”
Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Looking for my people”

Officer: “After 10′ minutes what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks”
Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Serving the travelers”
Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the steering”
Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Eating & throwing”

Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were reading”
Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Make up”
Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the steering”
Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Nothing”

Officer: “Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “All were sleeping”
Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the air hostess”
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

 

 

More Spicy Jokes…

 

A Teacher Asks her students a Question : There are three birds on a tree, If you shoot one of them, how many birds would remain ?? Pintu raise his finger, Teacher Says yes pintu
Pintu said : No birds would remain ma’m, because after hearing the noise of shooting all the birds will fly away,

Teacher says, No you are wrong, but I like the Way you are thinking.
Suddenly Pintu said I want to ask you a question? Teacher said ofcourse U can.

Pintu asked : There are three lady at the Ice-cream parlour, one of them is eating it, the other one is licking it and the third one is sucking it, Please Tell me which lady is married out of them,

Teacher shocked but she answered : I guess the Lady Who is sucking the Ice-cream is a married,







Pintu Said : No U R wrong, The Lady who is wearing the wedding ring in her finger is a married woman,

But I like the Way You are Thinking !!!!!!!
**************************************

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.

‘What’s that?’ he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said ‘Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.’

‘Tarzan, you have it all wrong,’ she says horrified, ‘but I will show you how to do it properly.’

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

‘Here,’ she said, ‘You must put it in here.’

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘What the hell did you do that for?’

‘Just checking for bees,’ said Tarzan.


************************************
This guy has a pet duck that he takes with him wherever he goes. One day the guy’s out with his duck and he notices a new movie theater in the neighborhood, and as it turns out, they’re playing a movie he’s been wanting to see for a while, so he decides to go in. He walks up to the counter to buy his ticket, but the kid at the booth says, “Sorry, buddy, this is a movie theater. You can’t bring that duck in here.” The guy thinks, “No way am I gonna walk all the way home with this duck and come all the way back.” He happens to be wearing loose-fitting trousers, so he walks around the corner, stuffs the duck down his pants, and comes back and gets his ticket. He goes into the auditorium and sits down next to two old ladies. The picture starts, and after a while the duck starts to get a little claustrophobic, so he unzips the guy’s fly with his beak and pops his head out. By and by, one of the old ladies notices there’s something funny going on with their neighbor’s crotch. She leans over to her friend and whispers, “Eunice!The guy next me has his fly down, and his you-know-what is sticking out!” “Oh, Marge,” say the other old lady. “At your age, you’ve been around the block or time or two. What’s the big deal– if you’ve seen one of those things, you’ve seen ’em all.” “Well, that’s what I would have said,” says Marge. “But this one’s eating my popcorn.”

***************************************

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year
when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my
friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend d! own when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come
over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did
not really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached

the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and! went
straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the
house and walked straight
toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have
passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

The moral of this story is…..
Always keep your condoms in your car.

************************************

 

tengkp