Archive for April, 2010

What kind of meat

April 20, 2010

A man kills a deer and takes

it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that

 they won’t tell the kids what kind
of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
 

The kids were eager to know

what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said,

‘it’s what mommy calls me sometimes.’

The little girl screams to her brother,

‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole!!!

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Laughter Two

April 18, 2010

  

Laughter Two 

Vodka

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.”
The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka.”
Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, “Alisa, Alisa, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Alisa is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him, “Yegor, why do we only need one glass?”
Yegor raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

 

The Wedding Night

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before.
So he calls up his dad and asks him, “What do I do first?”
His dad says, “Take her clothes off and put her in bed. ”
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, “She’s n*ked and in bed what do I do now?” His dad says, “Take your clothes off and get in bed.”
He calls back 5 minutes later and says, “I’m n*ked and in bed with her what do I do now?”
His dad’s patience is now running out so he says, “Look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!”
The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, “OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?”

 

What A Fine Bouquet

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

 

What Every Woman Wants

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

 

Witnessing The Miracle

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant– about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Wrong Address

Banta was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to # 329, Next Street.

By mistake, he went to # 239, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. 

Finally the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

 “My goodness”, she exclaimed, “I was expecting to see a foot.”

“Well,” he said, “if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

 

You’ve Got Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to findout anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You’ve Got Male!”

Laughter

April 18, 2010

Laughter

 

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.

She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing …. …….. ….She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’ .

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick ‘.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘ Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’

And The case was dismissed… …..!!!

 

 

Boy Visits Brothel

 

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”

He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones, and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!”

 

Loving On the Lawn

 

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

“This is a brothel”, replied the madam.

“Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.

“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”

 

 

Mary and Her Affair

 

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph, “Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!”

Ralph looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there.”

Mary cried, “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!”

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the n*de, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the n*de?”

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly, “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining!”

 

 

Misunderstanding,Caused by Ladies

 

Misunderstanding….CAUSED BY LADIES…for themselves..

7 crawl into a hole Situations!

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do….

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in town and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? (She meant blowing her hair for Styling)

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. ! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank! with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door clos ed behind me were screams of laughter.

5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone,a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story…

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

 

Monkey in the Plane

 

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Tying their belts”
Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!”
Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Checking the system”
Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Looking for my people”

Officer: “After 10′ minutes what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks”
Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Serving the travelers”
Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the steering”
Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Eating & throwing”

Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were reading”
Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Make up”
Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the steering”
Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Nothing”

Officer: “Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “All were sleeping”
Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the air hostess”
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

 

 

More Spicy Jokes…

 

A Teacher Asks her students a Question : There are three birds on a tree, If you shoot one of them, how many birds would remain ?? Pintu raise his finger, Teacher Says yes pintu
Pintu said : No birds would remain ma’m, because after hearing the noise of shooting all the birds will fly away,

Teacher says, No you are wrong, but I like the Way you are thinking.
Suddenly Pintu said I want to ask you a question? Teacher said ofcourse U can.

Pintu asked : There are three lady at the Ice-cream parlour, one of them is eating it, the other one is licking it and the third one is sucking it, Please Tell me which lady is married out of them,

Teacher shocked but she answered : I guess the Lady Who is sucking the Ice-cream is a married,







Pintu Said : No U R wrong, The Lady who is wearing the wedding ring in her finger is a married woman,

But I like the Way You are Thinking !!!!!!!
**************************************

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.

‘What’s that?’ he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said ‘Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.’

‘Tarzan, you have it all wrong,’ she says horrified, ‘but I will show you how to do it properly.’

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

‘Here,’ she said, ‘You must put it in here.’

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘What the hell did you do that for?’

‘Just checking for bees,’ said Tarzan.


************************************
This guy has a pet duck that he takes with him wherever he goes. One day the guy’s out with his duck and he notices a new movie theater in the neighborhood, and as it turns out, they’re playing a movie he’s been wanting to see for a while, so he decides to go in. He walks up to the counter to buy his ticket, but the kid at the booth says, “Sorry, buddy, this is a movie theater. You can’t bring that duck in here.” The guy thinks, “No way am I gonna walk all the way home with this duck and come all the way back.” He happens to be wearing loose-fitting trousers, so he walks around the corner, stuffs the duck down his pants, and comes back and gets his ticket. He goes into the auditorium and sits down next to two old ladies. The picture starts, and after a while the duck starts to get a little claustrophobic, so he unzips the guy’s fly with his beak and pops his head out. By and by, one of the old ladies notices there’s something funny going on with their neighbor’s crotch. She leans over to her friend and whispers, “Eunice!The guy next me has his fly down, and his you-know-what is sticking out!” “Oh, Marge,” say the other old lady. “At your age, you’ve been around the block or time or two. What’s the big deal– if you’ve seen one of those things, you’ve seen ’em all.” “Well, that’s what I would have said,” says Marge. “But this one’s eating my popcorn.”

***************************************

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year
when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my
friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend d! own when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come
over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did
not really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached

the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and! went
straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the
house and walked straight
toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have
passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

The moral of this story is…..
Always keep your condoms in your car.

************************************

 

tengkp

 

When I Retired

April 18, 2010
Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime – barramundi fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. 

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who, it turned out, loves barramundi fishing as much as I do. 

We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said, my wife doesn’t care about fishing. She  refuses to join us and she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. 

A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful barramundi you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later, Sam caught another! 

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice barramundi that we caught and showed the picture to my wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested. Instead, she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself. 

What would you do? 

Tell my wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat like she insists?


Thanks.

Jack


P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two barramundi we caught.

Dr. Phil replies:

 

Dear Jack,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That’s a nice pair of barramundi!

Sincerely,
Dr. Phil

A story told in 20 minutes

April 12, 2010

A story told in

20 minutes

 

For Boys Only

April 8, 2010

Ready boys

 scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now tell the name of the car

without scrolling up.

No cheating

Still can’t name the car.

So what are you watching?

What is politics to a small kid

April 8, 2010

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, I think you’ll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father,

‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

Deforestation

April 5, 2010

Three short stories

April 5, 2010

A LITTLE SPICY

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was filled the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left leg to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right leg to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking” him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out, well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!

 

AN OLD MAN

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor’s office.

He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact,

I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that!!!” 

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story.

I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season.

But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. 

What do you think of that??”

The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!” 

“EXACTLY” says the doctor.

 

CARTWHEELING FOR CASH

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, “Mommy, I got five dollars!”
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ”Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. 

The mother told her daughter, “Don’t you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties.” 

”OOOOhhhh” said the little girl. 

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, “Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, “Where did you get the ten dollars from?” 

The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.”

The mother replied, “Didn’t I tell you that he is…” 

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ”Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn’t wear any panties today.”

Marriage

April 5, 2010

Marriage (Part I)  

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
   
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
           
His new bride said:
“No, that’s fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”
   
(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)   ************ ********* ********* ********* *********

    Marriage (Part II)
   
   
   Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

   The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!”
 
  “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!”
   
   (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
   
   
************ ********* ** ************ ******
   
   Marriage (Part III)
   
   
   Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no
good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.
   
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.  
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?”

   She says, “I was in bed.”
   
“In bed this early, doing what?”
   
“Getting a second opinion!”
   
    (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
   
 ************ ********* ********* ********* **
   
    Marriage (Part IV)
       
   
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,” Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
   
 One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”
     
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”
   
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
   
   ************ ********* ********* ********* **
   
   THE SILENT TREATMENT
   
 A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”  He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
   
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.”
   
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.