Archive for the ‘Adult only’ Category

Just send the bottle back

September 21, 2011

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot (wine) to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.’ He indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. 

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and San Francisco, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.’

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LESSON FOR TODAY

November 10, 2010

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass…

In the process; we end up in trouble……..
And when you find yourself in trouble and you’re stuck in a
situation that you can’t get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember…….

Not everyone who shows up…….

Is there to help you!!!!

This is quite real in today world

 

 

Is My Time Up?

October 19, 2010

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,

 liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

“I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn’t you pull me from
out of the path of the ambulance?”

(You’ll love this)

God replied:
“I didn’t recognize you!”

Too much difference in size

July 12, 2010

Fake Nun 

One Friday night in San Francisco, a man hops a bus to go home. To his surprise, he sees a very good-looking nun in the back of the bus. He goes to the back of the bus and sits right in front of her. After about 5 minutes before he turns around and starts flirting with her. After about 10 minutes, he suggests that they get a drink and then maybe go to his place. The nun is scandalized and orders the man to leave her alone.The man’s stop finally came and he got up furiously and started walking away. On his way out, the bus driver asks him in a high-pitched voice what his problem is. He tells the bus driver about the nun and how she won’t go out with him. The bus driver tells him that he could dress up as Jesus and tell her that, for the sake of her religion, she has to have sex with him. The bus driver says he can even tell her where she lives and that she usually prays late into the night. The man thanks the bus driver, but got off the bus wondering why a gay bus driver would care so much about his problems.

Later that night, the man goes to her house dressed up as Jesus. He walks in and sees her praying on a tiny little pew. She sees him and looks shocked. The man, as Jesus, tells her if she wants to go to heaven, she must have sex with him first. The nun says okay, but she’ll only do it up the rear because of her religious beliefs. The guy does so.

After he’s done, the guy pulls of his Jesus mask and says

“HA! I am the guy from the bus!”

The nun then pulls off her mask and says,

“HA! I am the bus driver.”

 

 

 

Gynecologist’s Assistant Job

July 12, 2010

Gynecologist’s Assistant Job

A man went Beijing and saw an advertisement for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

“The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is RM65,000, and if you’re interested you’ll have to go to Tianjin

“My God, is that where the job is?” asked the man.

She answered, “No sir, that’s where the end of the queue is.”

Great Hearted Husband

June 29, 2010

Great Hearted Husband

The wife comes home early & finds her husband Mishra in

their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!

“You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?

How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother

of your children! I’m leaving this house, I want divorce!”

The Mishra, replies “Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,

at least listen to what happened. You can’t say I’m dishonest.”

“Hmm, I don’t know, well, it’ll be the last thing I will hear from you.

But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!”

The Mishra begins to tell his story . . . “While driving home

this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that

she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She

mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion I brought her home and warmed

up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll gain weight;

the poor thing practically devoured them.”

“Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a

shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since

she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you

have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear

because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the

blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste.”

“I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my

sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought

at the expensive boutique that you never wore again

after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.”

The Mishra continues his story . . . . .

“The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door. When we got to the door she

turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,

she asks me:

“Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?”

 

 

I Will Do It

June 29, 2010

I Will Do It

   

Once, a beautiful secretary of the Managing Partner of a very big and reputed company
goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.

  

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her.
Don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
from wanting to marry her.

  

  

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to man, “I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.”

The rich man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says
“No problem!! I have it. I have.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to man,
“I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The rich man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone,
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says,
“Okay, okay. I build it.., I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
” I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch willie ”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he’s muttering something in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, hit the ground with his feet,
looking real sad, says to the woman,

“Okay, okay. I cut it.. I cut.”

  

 

  

 

   

Hot & Cold Sex

June 29, 2010

Hot & Cold Sex

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact I do,” said the man, “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting,” replied the doctor, “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that old buzzard,” she replied,

“That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December.”

 

Hippie & Nun

June 29, 2010

Hippie & Nun

 

A hippie boards a bus and spies a pretty young Nun. He sits down next to her, and asks: “Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God”. She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver turns to the hippie and says: “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”

“Yeah?” says the hippie. “Yeah!” says the bus driver.

“She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me?”

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

‘God’ agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

“Ha-ha” he cries, “I’m the hippie!”

“Ha-ha” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!”*

Judgment Granted

June 29, 2010

Judgment Granted

One evening after attending a theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, “I`d give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman.”
To their surprise, the young lady overheard their remarks, and turning around she said, “I`ll just take you up on that.”
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice. So after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning, the man presented her with twenty five dollars and prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money stating, “I`ll sue you if you do not give me the full amount of fifty dollars.”
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, “She can possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented.”
After the usual preliminaries, the lady`s lawyer addressed the court as follows: “Your honor, my client this lady, is the owner of a piece of property. A garden spot surrounded by profuse shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it intensively for the purpose for which it was rented. But, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only twenty-five dollars, or half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant`s lawyer was impressed, and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore, was somewhat altered. “Your honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property. That she did rent the property for a time, and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property. Around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being done by him personally. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and therefore, ask that the judgment not be granted.”
The young lady`s lawyer came back as follows: “Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that he did know that the well existed, or he would not have rented the property. Also upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that the judgment be granted.”

AND SHE GOT IT ! ! !