Archive for July, 2010

Prized Goat

July 12, 2010

Prized Goat 

While working on a message the pastor heard a knock at his office door. “Come in,” he invited.

A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in; pulling a goat on a rope, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” asked the man with his hat in his hand.

Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly. The goat proceeded to sniff around the office.

With one eye on the animal and one on the man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the fellow’s story, “What can I do for you?”

“My family is hungry,” started the man. “So I stole this goat. But I feel that I have sinned. Would you please take it?”

“Certainly not,” said the minister.

“Then what should I do with it?” asked the man.

“Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!” the pastor explained.

“I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?”

“In that case,” the minister said, “It would be all right for you to keep it and feed your family.”

That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned.

“Thank you for your help, sir.”

With a lighter step, he walked out of the office, leading the goat on the rope behind him.

Later that afternoon when the minister returned home, he said to his wife as he walked in, “I have got a story to tell you.”

“I have something to tell you first,” she exclaimed. “Someone has stolen your goat!”

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July 12, 2010

Fake Nun 

One Friday night in San Francisco, a man hops a bus to go home. To his surprise, he sees a very good-looking nun in the back of the bus. He goes to the back of the bus and sits right in front of her. After about 5 minutes before he turns around and starts flirting with her. After about 10 minutes, he suggests that they get a drink and then maybe go to his place. The nun is scandalized and orders the man to leave her alone.The man’s stop finally came and he got up furiously and started walking away. On his way out, the bus driver asks him in a high-pitched voice what his problem is. He tells the bus driver about the nun and how she won’t go out with him. The bus driver tells him that he could dress up as Jesus and tell her that, for the sake of her religion, she has to have sex with him. The bus driver says he can even tell her where she lives and that she usually prays late into the night. The man thanks the bus driver, but got off the bus wondering why a gay bus driver would care so much about his problems.

Later that night, the man goes to her house dressed up as Jesus. He walks in and sees her praying on a tiny little pew. She sees him and looks shocked. The man, as Jesus, tells her if she wants to go to heaven, she must have sex with him first. The nun says okay, but she’ll only do it up the rear because of her religious beliefs. The guy does so.

After he’s done, the guy pulls of his Jesus mask and says

“HA! I am the guy from the bus!”

The nun then pulls off her mask and says,

“HA! I am the bus driver.”

 

 

 

Letter to God

July 12, 2010

Letter to God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to “God, USA,” they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $100 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read,

“Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, they deducted $95! I only got $5. But thanks anyway. “

 

 

Gynecologist’s Assistant Job

July 12, 2010

Gynecologist’s Assistant Job

A man went Beijing and saw an advertisement for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

“The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is RM65,000, and if you’re interested you’ll have to go to Tianjin

“My God, is that where the job is?” asked the man.

She answered, “No sir, that’s where the end of the queue is.”

A mechanic and a surgeon

July 4, 2010

 

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, who was standing to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his sports car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this, it will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?”

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic……….. . .

“TRY TO DO IT WHEN THE ENGINE IS RUNNING”.