Posts Tagged ‘Short Jokes’

Just send the bottle back

September 21, 2011

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot (wine) to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.’ He indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. 

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and San Francisco, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.’

Little Jonny

April 21, 2011

These should bring a smile to your face.

Little Johnny’s at it again…… A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’



Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’



The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’


Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
(This is my favorite)


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy Mom  …’



If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too you know!

Letter to God

July 12, 2010

Letter to God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to “God, USA,” they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $100 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read,

“Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, they deducted $95! I only got $5. But thanks anyway. “

 

 

Titanic

June 29, 2010

Titanic

An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor.
“What was that for?”, says the Chinaman.
“That”, says the Jew, “Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you bastards!”
The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says “Hey wait, I’m Chinese, not Japanese; it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour.”
The Jew says “Chinese, Japanese, you’re all the same to me.” So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked.
“What was that for?”
“That was for sinking the Titanic”
“The Titanic!”, says the Jew. “The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!”
And the Chinese says “Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you’re all the same to me!”

 

 

The Arab Story

June 29, 2010

The Arab Story

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to the neighbouring states.

Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewellery, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him “This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.

To this the Arab replied “Can’t help it, Bapu….. Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!”

Great Hearted Husband

June 29, 2010

Great Hearted Husband

The wife comes home early & finds her husband Mishra in

their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!

“You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?

How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother

of your children! I’m leaving this house, I want divorce!”

The Mishra, replies “Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,

at least listen to what happened. You can’t say I’m dishonest.”

“Hmm, I don’t know, well, it’ll be the last thing I will hear from you.

But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!”

The Mishra begins to tell his story . . . “While driving home

this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that

she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She

mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion I brought her home and warmed

up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll gain weight;

the poor thing practically devoured them.”

“Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a

shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since

she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you

have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear

because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the

blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste.”

“I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my

sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought

at the expensive boutique that you never wore again

after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.”

The Mishra continues his story . . . . .

“The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door. When we got to the door she

turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,

she asks me:

“Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?”

 

 

The Butcher

June 29, 2010

In The Butcher’s Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

 

I Will Do It

June 29, 2010

I Will Do It

   

Once, a beautiful secretary of the Managing Partner of a very big and reputed company
goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.

  

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her.
Don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
from wanting to marry her.

  

  

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to man, “I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.”

The rich man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says
“No problem!! I have it. I have.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to man,
“I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The rich man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone,
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says,
“Okay, okay. I build it.., I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
” I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch willie ”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he’s muttering something in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, hit the ground with his feet,
looking real sad, says to the woman,

“Okay, okay. I cut it.. I cut.”

  

 

  

 

   

Hot & Cold Sex

June 29, 2010

Hot & Cold Sex

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact I do,” said the man, “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting,” replied the doctor, “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that old buzzard,” she replied,

“That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December.”

 

Guilt

June 29, 2010

Guilt

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place how he knows her.
So he asks, “Do you know me?”
The woman says, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife,
and he says, “My God! Are you the stri**er from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

“No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”