Archive for September, 2009

Conversation inside a toilet

September 29, 2009

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

“Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom But I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

“Doing just fine!”

And the other guy says:

“So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

“Uhhh, I’m like you, just travelling!”

At this point I’m just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

“Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,

“No……. I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear guy say nervously….

“Listen. I’ll have to call you back. There’s is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!”

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A very depressed man

September 29, 2009

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half an hour.

Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,

takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says,

“Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink.
I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

 

 

“No, it’s not that.

This day is the worst of my life.

First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office.

My boss, in an outrage, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car,

I found out it was stolen.

The police say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home and when I leave it,

I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.

The cab driver just drives away.

I go home and my wife wanted a divorce.

I leave home and come to this bar.

 And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,

 you show up and drink my poison.”

You’re all the same

September 28, 2009

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, ‘You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.’

The astonished Chinese man replied, ‘It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese’.

‘Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,’ replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, ‘You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.’

Shocked, Spielberg replies, ‘It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.’

The Chinese replies, ‘Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.’

Dentist & patient

September 28, 2009

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

 The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.” 

Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”

Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”

*

I thought, Miss Smith that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?

That’s right, Sir.

So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theater with a friend?

That was my dentist.

*

 

At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).

 

*

 

“Open wider.” requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

 

“Good God!” he said startled. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

 

“OK Doc!” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.”

 

“I didn’t!” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”

 

*

 

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.

Patient: Well, without pain it’s cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.

Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!!

Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.

Rude Parrot

September 28, 2009

 

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly upset now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so upset that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

Dentist Appointment

September 28, 2009

 One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.”

Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!”

“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.”

“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”

“Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

   

Lipstick on the Mirror

September 28, 2009

 According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

      Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

       

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

I Like Your Thinking

September 28, 2009

 

A teacher asks her class,

”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny.

”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies,

”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says,

”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,

”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.”

Speeding Ticket

September 28, 2009

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding…                                                                                                                                      

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?                                                                                                                             

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.                                                                   

Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?                                                                                                

Driver: Oh, it’s not my car. I stole it.                                                                                                                           

 Officer: The car is stolen?                                                                                                                                               

Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.                                                                                                                 

Officer: You have a gun in there?                                                                                                                                  

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She’s in the trunk.                           

Officer: There’s a BODY in the trunk?!?

The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.                         

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?                                                                                                                     

Driver: Sure, Officer.                                                                                                                                                 

Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?                                                                                              

 Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.                                                                                              

Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there’s a gun in there?                                                                                                                                                                                       

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

He opens it, and sure enough, there’s no gun.                                                                                                   

Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in there.                       

Driver: No problem.                                                                                                                                                                 

The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.                                                                                              

Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.                                                    

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

Boys watching Bubbles in Bathtub

September 28, 2009

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.She said, Lets start with the boys first.

Boys start giving their intro…

First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it’s ok John.

Yes next.

Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.

Third boy: I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.

This continues…
and the last boy stands up I’m Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Exhausted, the teacher said, I don’t think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please.

First girl:

I’m Julie and my hobby is to see birds.

Teacher: Good. At last I got something different.
Ok next.

Second girl: I’m Ruby and I like to collect perfumes. 

Teacher Now it’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
 You sweet girl; Yes you…

Most beautiful girl of the class: 

Mam, my name is BUBBLE,

and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.