Archive for the ‘Husband And Wife’ Category

Old Age

June 21, 2010

Old AGE !…..

 An older couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling a sleep,

 but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second,

 and tried to get back to sleep.

 A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated,

 he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. “Then you use to bite my neck.”

Angrily,

 he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going ?” she asked.

Do you know what the answer?

“To get my teeth!”

 

 

  

  

 

What kind of meat

April 20, 2010

A man kills a deer and takes

it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that

 they won’t tell the kids what kind
of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
 

The kids were eager to know

what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said,

‘it’s what mommy calls me sometimes.’

The little girl screams to her brother,

‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole!!!

Shopping for Husband & Wife

April 4, 2010

Shopping for Husband & Wife   

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:  
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward . The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!

Short Dialoque

March 28, 2010

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting every time!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever


Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

 

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping

Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

 

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.

 

 

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

 

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push…!!!
 

 

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
 

 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You know, I was a fool when I married you.

The husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice 

  

Some Marriage Jokes

February 7, 2010

Do take some time and try to get the meaning,

When a man steals your wife , there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little  candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong , admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted ‘.

Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

 ‘You can have mine.’

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel !’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.

 

 

A loving husband

January 23, 2010

 

Laught Out Loud

 

A husband comes home from church;

he greets his wife and lifts her up and carries her around the house.

The wife is so surprised and asks

“Did the pastor preach about being romantic?”

The husband said,

“No! He said we must carry our burdens and sorrows!

 

 

tengkp

  

  

 

Married 25 years

October 13, 2009

After being married 25 years,

one day I took a look at my wife and said,

 

1

 

“Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, 

2

I had a cheap apartment,

3

a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,

 but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

4

 

“Now, we have a nice house,

 

 nice car, big bed a5nd plasma screen TV,

but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman.

6

 It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!”

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.

7

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond,

8

 and she would make sure

 

that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,

9

driving a cheap car,

10

sleeping on a sofa bed….

I shut up and took out the trash…

11

Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

 

Husband and Wife

September 11, 2009

The Silent Treatment…

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM ‘

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied , ‘in-laws”

WOMEN’S REVENGE..

‘Cash, cheque or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’
I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘ but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider..

W O R D S..

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION..

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

‘ The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!

WHO DOES WHAT..

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.’

The husband said, ‘ You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.’

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…….. ..’HEBREWS’

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. .

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH
AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!!!