Posts Tagged ‘laughter’

iPhone

August 24, 2011

It all began with an iPhone 

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday,
and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made
me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon. 

It was around then that the fight started…

What my wife failed to recognize is that the
iRon can be integrated into the home
network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!! 
iHurt

Have iFun

The Arab Story

June 29, 2010

The Arab Story

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to the neighbouring states.

Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewellery, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him “This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.

To this the Arab replied “Can’t help it, Bapu….. Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!”

Recycling

June 29, 2010

Recycling 

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat.
The American asks :‘Do you eat the bread entirely?’
The Indian answers, ‘Of course!’
American : ‘We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India .’
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues, ‘Do you eat this jelly with the bread?’
Indian : ‘Of course!’
American : ‘We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container. Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to India .’
The Indian finally asks, ‘And what do you do with the condoms after using them?’
American : ‘We throw them away, of course!’
Indian : ‘We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.’

 

The Butcher

June 29, 2010

In The Butcher’s Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

 

I Will Do It

June 29, 2010

I Will Do It

   

Once, a beautiful secretary of the Managing Partner of a very big and reputed company
goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.

  

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her.
Don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
from wanting to marry her.

  

  

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to man, “I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.”

The rich man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says
“No problem!! I have it. I have.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to man,
“I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The rich man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone,
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says,
“Okay, okay. I build it.., I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
” I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch willie ”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he’s muttering something in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, hit the ground with his feet,
looking real sad, says to the woman,

“Okay, okay. I cut it.. I cut.”

  

 

  

 

   

Hippie & Nun

June 29, 2010

Hippie & Nun

 

A hippie boards a bus and spies a pretty young Nun. He sits down next to her, and asks: “Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God”. She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver turns to the hippie and says: “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”

“Yeah?” says the hippie. “Yeah!” says the bus driver.

“She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me?”

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

‘God’ agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

“Ha-ha” he cries, “I’m the hippie!”

“Ha-ha” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!”*

Guilt

June 29, 2010

Guilt

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place how he knows her.
So he asks, “Do you know me?”
The woman says, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife,
and he says, “My God! Are you the stri**er from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

“No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

 

 

 

Judgment Granted

June 29, 2010

Judgment Granted

One evening after attending a theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, “I`d give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman.”
To their surprise, the young lady overheard their remarks, and turning around she said, “I`ll just take you up on that.”
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice. So after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning, the man presented her with twenty five dollars and prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money stating, “I`ll sue you if you do not give me the full amount of fifty dollars.”
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, “She can possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented.”
After the usual preliminaries, the lady`s lawyer addressed the court as follows: “Your honor, my client this lady, is the owner of a piece of property. A garden spot surrounded by profuse shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it intensively for the purpose for which it was rented. But, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only twenty-five dollars, or half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant`s lawyer was impressed, and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore, was somewhat altered. “Your honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property. That she did rent the property for a time, and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property. Around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being done by him personally. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and therefore, ask that the judgment not be granted.”
The young lady`s lawyer came back as follows: “Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that he did know that the well existed, or he would not have rented the property. Also upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that the judgment be granted.”

AND SHE GOT IT ! ! !

 

 

Balls

June 28, 2010

Balls

INTERESTING OBSERVATION?

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL?.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING?

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

     


5 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

and….

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: 

     
                       
The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

 

 

God’s Efficiency

June 23, 2010

God’s Efficiency  

A farmer purchased an old, run-down; abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold, it’s a completely different place. The farmhouse is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are many cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”