Posts Tagged ‘Short story’

Just send the bottle back

September 21, 2011

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot (wine) to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.’ He indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. 

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and San Francisco, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.’

Little Jonny

April 21, 2011

These should bring a smile to your face.

Little Johnny’s at it again…… A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’



Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’



The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’


Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
(This is my favorite)


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy Mom  …’



If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too you know!

Letter to God

July 12, 2010

Letter to God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to “God, USA,” they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $100 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read,

“Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, they deducted $95! I only got $5. But thanks anyway. “

 

 

Titanic

June 29, 2010

Titanic

An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor.
“What was that for?”, says the Chinaman.
“That”, says the Jew, “Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you bastards!”
The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says “Hey wait, I’m Chinese, not Japanese; it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour.”
The Jew says “Chinese, Japanese, you’re all the same to me.” So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked.
“What was that for?”
“That was for sinking the Titanic”
“The Titanic!”, says the Jew. “The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!”
And the Chinese says “Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you’re all the same to me!”

 

 

The Arab Story

June 29, 2010

The Arab Story

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to the neighbouring states.

Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewellery, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him “This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.

To this the Arab replied “Can’t help it, Bapu….. Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!”

Guilt

June 29, 2010

Guilt

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place how he knows her.
So he asks, “Do you know me?”
The woman says, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife,
and he says, “My God! Are you the stri**er from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

“No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

 

 

 

Grandma and Grandpa

June 29, 2010

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.   When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills .The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive . ”

“How much?” asked Grandpa .“$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son .

“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money
under the pillow . ”

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow . He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was
$10, not $110 .

“I know,” said Grandpa . “The hundred is from Grandma!”

 

 

 

Girls Night Out

June 29, 2010

Girls Night Out

Two Indian women friends, Sheela and Kusum had gone for a girl’s night out – both were very beautiful and loving wives.
However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend Sheela, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, Mr. Pernab, Kusum’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the Mr. Taran the other husband and said, ‘These dam girls’ night out have got to stop – I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.’

You think that’s bad’ said Taran, the other husband, ‘Sheela’ is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says….

“From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you”

 

Politicians in Hell

June 23, 2010

Politicians in Hell

“Welcome to Heaven,” St. Peter says to the newly arrived politician. “Before you settle in, you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the people. They play golf and dine on lobster and caviar. The devil is also there, a very friendly guy who laughs and tells jokes.

It is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it’s time to visit Heaven.

24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The politician reflects for a minute, then answers, “Well, Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my Friends look miserable.”

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning.

Today you voted for us!”

Expensive Dress

June 23, 2010

Expensive Dress 

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on.

It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!'”